The most recent writing of note

What more do I want?
That question echoes through my mind
But I know that what God has provided
And I don’t appreciate it now

Rather

I am busy counting grains of sand I don’t own,
On a long stretch of beach
While missing the ocean, the soft rays of the sun,
The glorious holiday!
Wondering, “Who has the most sand and how do I keep mine?”

Then I have the audacity to ask,
“Why doesn’t God meet me?”

Why am I still…
Lonely, Indebted, Isolated, Loveless
I cry out “Where is mine Lord?”
But also, “I don’t want to be rejected like you!”

I know the truth, I just don’t like it
And there’s the rub
I think God owes me more
More than salvation, more than love, more than his Son’s death

So I have lost
Purpose, Passion, People, Place
Because I have left God out

Action is motivated by purpose, love, relationship, belonging

Without these there is no desire for
Prayer, Community, Hearing, Service

I languish in a self absorbed world
I don’t want my Father
I want my Father’s gifts
And if I cannot have them His way
I will have them in mine


Yet there is a bitter taste of the life I have lived
That increases until it becomes bile
Until shallow love is regurgitated
Over and over
The throat is raw and burning
And still the dry heaving
Of an excessive love
Placed wrongly in a supposed pleasure

Christ died to free me
Yet how do I use my freedom?
For the greatest glorification and good?

Or like the people I have sacrificed to defend
Spoiled, self absorbed people
With “rights”, but no duty
With “freedom”, enslaved to fleeting passions
With “life”, spent seeking death
I am offended by others misuse of costly freedom
But the guilty verdict is upon me

Christ is enough.

I struggle with that statement
Fear rises up, for Christ is like nothing I know
God will supply all your needs
But I want more than what I need

I once asked a group…
“Did women and children, their husbands murdered in front of them,
driven out in the middle of the desert to slowly die, because they loved
and believed in Christ alone, did they have all their needs supplied?”
There was silence.
People knew the Truth, but no one
Wanted to voice even a quiet, “Yes”
Not even me
For that would be too extreme
A different way of thinking and living

God it seems deals only in extremes, only in outliers
Holiness and depravity
Love and hate
Victory and defeat
Light and darkness
His way or no way


I would rather have a gray, muddled, soft, calm, lukewarm existence
Where I do not have to love too much, give too much, feel too much,
Hurt too much, suffer too much, grow too much
Not too hot, not too cold, but just right
Eh, Goldilocks?
But she too was a thief driven out by rightful owners
In some versions eaten completely by bears

Yet
As I soak in a tepid bath of my own making
My body decays from disuse, the skin grows pallid,
Wrinkled, distended, rotting, slowly and mildly
Drifting down the river of life
With all the other dead fish

“In Him we live and move and have our being”
“Nothing can separate us from the love of God,
which is in Christ Jesus our Lord”
“I will never leave you nor forsake you”
“I have come to seek and to save that which is lost”

Trustworthy, faithful, merciful, full of loving kindness
This is what I fear
For God is other, mysterious, unlike what I know, powerful
Only due honor, glory and trust
The commander and creator of the Universe

On a military base, once a week the soldiers come together
They form their lines and chant and praise the base commander
“We love you base commander!”
“You’re awesome base commander!”
“Base commander you’re the best!”
They march and parade together for the base commander
It is a fabulous display!

The next week the base commander issues orders
Because he knows best how to run a base
The orders are not always followed by the soldiers
Sometimes the orders are half followed
Sometimes they are not followed at all
Other times the orders are directly disobeyed


The cycle continues of praise from the troops every week
Followed by disobeying the base commander’s orders
The base commander calls the soldiers together
“You are good to praise me! These parades in my honor
are correct and good.”

The troops smile broadly.

“But, if you do not obey the orders I issue, the parades and praise
are meaningless! Obedience and praise go hand in hand.
Don’t you understand? I want your complete loyalty
That is all.”

I ask in anger, “Where is mine God?”
But, my anger is wrong, my question is wrong
And God has already answered
In the work of His Salvation
In the work of His Son
In His plan and process of redemption

I just need faith
To believe and walk in the truth
For even faith is a gift from God

Jesus said, “I am the way the Truth and the Life.
No one comes to the Father except through me.”

And that is who and all I need to know,
To live life abundantly

Be careful what you ask for...

...you just might get it.

I haven't posted for over 3.5 months. (Wow has it been that long? Yeah, talking to myself again) Do you ever have that time in life where you are hemmed in behind and before? If not it isn't the greatest feeling in the world. I got to this point where I didn't know what to do. I was operating under a life paradigm of "Andrew has a problem, Andrew comes up with a way to fix this problem, Andrew creates a goal list and 10 steps on how to get to the solution to his problem." Swirl, mix, repeat. I had a modicum of success, but even that was unfulfilling. All I ever seemed to see was my failure.

Then suddenly I lost "it". Whatever "it" is. I lost the desire to write, I lost the desire to try and continue to fix myself, I got really, really tired. So I stopped for a minute. I stopped and asked God for help. I asked God to humble me and change me so that I could get some joy in life back. God in His grace answered my prayer, and that answer is what I will post for the foreseeable future. That's all for now!

...to be continued. (Cheesy I know but you should have come to expect no less)