The most recent writing of note

What more do I want?
That question echoes through my mind
But I know that what God has provided
And I don’t appreciate it now

Rather

I am busy counting grains of sand I don’t own,
On a long stretch of beach
While missing the ocean, the soft rays of the sun,
The glorious holiday!
Wondering, “Who has the most sand and how do I keep mine?”

Then I have the audacity to ask,
“Why doesn’t God meet me?”

Why am I still…
Lonely, Indebted, Isolated, Loveless
I cry out “Where is mine Lord?”
But also, “I don’t want to be rejected like you!”

I know the truth, I just don’t like it
And there’s the rub
I think God owes me more
More than salvation, more than love, more than his Son’s death

So I have lost
Purpose, Passion, People, Place
Because I have left God out

Action is motivated by purpose, love, relationship, belonging

Without these there is no desire for
Prayer, Community, Hearing, Service

I languish in a self absorbed world
I don’t want my Father
I want my Father’s gifts
And if I cannot have them His way
I will have them in mine


Yet there is a bitter taste of the life I have lived
That increases until it becomes bile
Until shallow love is regurgitated
Over and over
The throat is raw and burning
And still the dry heaving
Of an excessive love
Placed wrongly in a supposed pleasure

Christ died to free me
Yet how do I use my freedom?
For the greatest glorification and good?

Or like the people I have sacrificed to defend
Spoiled, self absorbed people
With “rights”, but no duty
With “freedom”, enslaved to fleeting passions
With “life”, spent seeking death
I am offended by others misuse of costly freedom
But the guilty verdict is upon me

Christ is enough.

I struggle with that statement
Fear rises up, for Christ is like nothing I know
God will supply all your needs
But I want more than what I need

I once asked a group…
“Did women and children, their husbands murdered in front of them,
driven out in the middle of the desert to slowly die, because they loved
and believed in Christ alone, did they have all their needs supplied?”
There was silence.
People knew the Truth, but no one
Wanted to voice even a quiet, “Yes”
Not even me
For that would be too extreme
A different way of thinking and living

God it seems deals only in extremes, only in outliers
Holiness and depravity
Love and hate
Victory and defeat
Light and darkness
His way or no way


I would rather have a gray, muddled, soft, calm, lukewarm existence
Where I do not have to love too much, give too much, feel too much,
Hurt too much, suffer too much, grow too much
Not too hot, not too cold, but just right
Eh, Goldilocks?
But she too was a thief driven out by rightful owners
In some versions eaten completely by bears

Yet
As I soak in a tepid bath of my own making
My body decays from disuse, the skin grows pallid,
Wrinkled, distended, rotting, slowly and mildly
Drifting down the river of life
With all the other dead fish

“In Him we live and move and have our being”
“Nothing can separate us from the love of God,
which is in Christ Jesus our Lord”
“I will never leave you nor forsake you”
“I have come to seek and to save that which is lost”

Trustworthy, faithful, merciful, full of loving kindness
This is what I fear
For God is other, mysterious, unlike what I know, powerful
Only due honor, glory and trust
The commander and creator of the Universe

On a military base, once a week the soldiers come together
They form their lines and chant and praise the base commander
“We love you base commander!”
“You’re awesome base commander!”
“Base commander you’re the best!”
They march and parade together for the base commander
It is a fabulous display!

The next week the base commander issues orders
Because he knows best how to run a base
The orders are not always followed by the soldiers
Sometimes the orders are half followed
Sometimes they are not followed at all
Other times the orders are directly disobeyed


The cycle continues of praise from the troops every week
Followed by disobeying the base commander’s orders
The base commander calls the soldiers together
“You are good to praise me! These parades in my honor
are correct and good.”

The troops smile broadly.

“But, if you do not obey the orders I issue, the parades and praise
are meaningless! Obedience and praise go hand in hand.
Don’t you understand? I want your complete loyalty
That is all.”

I ask in anger, “Where is mine God?”
But, my anger is wrong, my question is wrong
And God has already answered
In the work of His Salvation
In the work of His Son
In His plan and process of redemption

I just need faith
To believe and walk in the truth
For even faith is a gift from God

Jesus said, “I am the way the Truth and the Life.
No one comes to the Father except through me.”

And that is who and all I need to know,
To live life abundantly

Be careful what you ask for...

...you just might get it.

I haven't posted for over 3.5 months. (Wow has it been that long? Yeah, talking to myself again) Do you ever have that time in life where you are hemmed in behind and before? If not it isn't the greatest feeling in the world. I got to this point where I didn't know what to do. I was operating under a life paradigm of "Andrew has a problem, Andrew comes up with a way to fix this problem, Andrew creates a goal list and 10 steps on how to get to the solution to his problem." Swirl, mix, repeat. I had a modicum of success, but even that was unfulfilling. All I ever seemed to see was my failure.

Then suddenly I lost "it". Whatever "it" is. I lost the desire to write, I lost the desire to try and continue to fix myself, I got really, really tired. So I stopped for a minute. I stopped and asked God for help. I asked God to humble me and change me so that I could get some joy in life back. God in His grace answered my prayer, and that answer is what I will post for the foreseeable future. That's all for now!

...to be continued. (Cheesy I know but you should have come to expect no less)

Olympic Gold

Living in Seattle right now is very exciting! The Olympics are right down the road, everyone talks about it, some co-workers even went on a whim and saw some events! Whew! I myself was unable to go, but it has been neat to see all the different ups and downs.

Thinking (as I always do) about the Olympics I was a bit jealous. All these cool young kids in the spotlight that I will never be in, corporate sponsorship, the flash and excitement, national television coverage, etc. "I want that too!" I say on the inside. There is a price though, and I want the glory without having to pay it. I think this is a typical human emotion, but maybe it's just me.

The Olympics very closely echo life. We go throughout our lives living very basic, daily, mundane existences. If you read anything about the speed skating team not only did they have grueling daily practices for 4 years, but they were also broke until Stephen Colbert helped them out. Think about that for a second. Grueling daily practices for 4 years. Giving everything you have in your young life, your education, goals, friends, family, excitement, entertainment, fun, etc for 4 unsexy, unfilmed, hard, thankless years. That is what it takes to be an Olympian though. You either make that sacrifice or forget Olympic dreams. They say it takes 10,000 hours to become the greatest at something. Sports, programming, finance, etc. 4 years, 6 days a week for 8 hours a day = 9,984 hours. That is what a gold medal costs. Oh and by the way there is no guarantee that you will get a gold just because you put in this time. That is just the minimum requirement. Still want to sign on?

I don't think I would have the patience to watch 4 years of training on TV, much less go through it! The thing is I want to be Stephen Colbert not the speed skating athletes. Stephen Colbert got funding for the Olympic speed skating team, was named as an Assistant Team Psychologist. As I understand it if you are on the team in any capacity you get a medal. Maybe I'm wrong but bear with me for sake of example. I want to do that! I just want to give a bit of cash and be amazing! I want to have things easy and still get something you have to work for. I don't want to put 10,000 hours into one thing and then still have to compete to win a prize, with no guarantees. Ouch!

This feeling also echos into my Christian life. People think you are really dedicated if you go to church on Sunday's and a mid week bible study. Take me for example. I became a Christian around 6 years old. Lets assume that I got a 1 hour service and a 3 hour midweek study in consistently since I was 6. (Now obviously there are times where I got more or less Bible, but stick with me.) That is 5,408 hours. Hey I am halfway to being an expert! If we assume that I put in 1 hour of personal study that ups it to 6,760. Thing is I probably haven't been that consistent or dedicated. It isn't like every Sunday I woke up chomping at the bit to go to Church. It isn't like I paid perfect attention at every Bible study I've been at. When you get right down to it people think I know a lot about the Bible, but if you compare it in human terms to Olympic athlete dedication I am pretty pathetic. I have been consistent in how I live life, but it isn't a pretty picture. It isn't Olympic in any area of life. Not even in dedication to God.

Paul in the Bible actually compares the Christian life to the Olympics. In 1 Cor 9:24-27 he sets forth that his Christian walk has been like an Olympic training session. That is how life is. The grueling daily workouts. The unsexy sweat and training for long periods of time, with no cheering crowd, no camera, and unsatisfied coaches. I am realizing the Christian life is like blue chip stock, Olympic training and farming. It is very daily, very mundane, very unsexy. Thing is it is very worth it. The Olympians and their prizes of today will fade, God's prize will not.

This isn't to paint a picture of works salvation. Please understand I believe that Jesus Christ died and rose again, because we are helpless sinners with no hope of salvation outside of Him. He is the one who loves us eternally and gives us the power to do anything. What I am saying is if you are a Christian, "What are you doing with the time God has given you?" "What am I doing with the time God has given me?" I get amazing love, grace and forgiveness from God, does it motivate me as much as the hope of Olympic gold, or do I take it for granted? I want my heart to be right and I don't think it is right now. I am motivated by flashy, sexy, easy, and cool. I need to be motivated by God's love.

How about you?

Tired of the news/new

When there are slow times at work I have an opportunity to take a look at the news and what is going on in the world. Lately I have been, not only tired, just overwhelmed not by the volume (even though there is quite a bit), but more by the sheer repetition and inanity of all that we call "The News". Oddly enough I find John Stewart and Steven Colbert more relevant and entertaining than say Rick Sanchez on CNN. (Although Rick does try...No, wait...Twitter as news?!...come on Rick!) At least the comedians don't pretend that what they are saying is important, or they do and that is what makes it funny. Either way they win!

Then there is the ever slobbering horde of advertisements for the next "new" thing, the next "new" band, the next "new" fashion design, the next "new" car. Blech! Getting burned out on all of it.

I think a similar thing happened when I traveled around Europe quite a bit. Everything was new and exciting, but then the tourist sheen slowly wore off. The veneer of what I thought Europe was really fell away after a while. I got tired of paying exorbitant prices to see dead rich people's stuff. The art museums I never got tired of but I could never stay long enough to satisfy me. Eventually I became a sort of tour guide for others before I left. I was glad others had a good time, but really couldn't have cared less about seeing monuments to dead people their accomplishments, victories, triumphs, and greatness.

The old is past and gone, the new is constantly being shoved down my throat, where is the balance? I don't need to know about all the tiny details of thousands of things every second. Most of what passes for news has zero impact on my life. What actually has an impact will be lost in the blur because it is boring, mundane, or otherwise obscured. We all got along fine when newspapers came out once a day. We all lived just fine when we didn't have cell phones. I still had something to eat without the internet. I am not complaining about advances, I wish I didn't feel like they ran my life so much. Also what good are all the advances in the world if I have difficulty connecting with people, or something deeper then the now?

I have had a desire to sweep away all that doesn't matter in my life and focus on what does. If I am distracted but never take the time to focus then I will always be distracted. Something that lasts longer than the next quarterly report, something that lasts longer than a year, something that lasts and brings tradition and a tiny bit of order would be nice.

"...and that's the news. Fred what have we got next?"

Thoughts on caring

Haiti...

It is a place I think I had heard of half a dozen times before an earthquake hit.
Not really big on my list. Maybe like Bermuda it is some place tropical I might visit one day, but definitely not on the radar. Now I can't turn on a TV, get on the internet, or pick up a newspaper without seeing, hearing, or reading about this country. I have some thoughts that have been fermenting for about a week, so here goes.

I find myself struggling to care. I didn't care two weeks ago when many people were starving and in poverty in Haiti, why should I now? Does it take a huge death toll and a crazy natural disaster to get me to care? What about everyone else? Are we all so calloused? It is not that helping isn't right and good (it is!) I just wonder if I am hopping on the band wagon because caring about Haiti is "cool" right now, and if I admit I don't care than I am an uncaring, unloving person. Two weeks ago if I said I didn't care about Haiti I probably would have had people agree with me that they didn't either. Now I feel like I am "forced" to care just because something bad happened. Good political cartoon that echos this thought.click here

I don't want to get scammed. How do I know that my "fill in dollar amount here" is going to be used properly? I would rather not support thieves, and it takes time and energy to find an organization that isn't going to abuse the funds I give them. Sometimes I am lazy and don't want to do the background checking I should before giving and don't want to get scammed, so I just don't give and rationalize it by calling it "being responsible".

I see a pattern in life that bothers me and I was happy to see something different in an e-mail from my church...

"But, I felt that our best hope was prayer and so thank you for interceding." Mark Driscoll.

Now that is faith in God. Not money, not our efforts, but prayer being our best hope. Wow. How can I serve the God this guy serves and not the God Pat Robertson serves? (see below)

Back to that pattern I see...something bad happens in the world, we feel emotionally moved even though we are safe comfortable and happy, we are asked to give money because we are American and rich, we give it under pressure with a side dish of guilt thrown in, our consciences are soothed and we remain calloused, cold, isolated people who can't talk to the guy next to us who can't eat. Now don't get me wrong everything people are doing for Haiti is great they really need it right now, I just wonder about my heart and how my motivations work. I wonder if other people's motivations work that way too. Often I give out of pressure and not because I care. I am looking at my life pretty carefully right now and I wonder what my life says I care about. Wallets and hearts are attached and I just want mine to reflect Christ, as if my wallet is the wallet of Christ. Working my job as if Christ works there. Did people see Jesus working in a hospital laboratory today? Because really I am not in Haiti I am in Seattle. I can't touch or feed a Haitian person at all today, but I can touch and help people in Seattle. Am I doing what I can where I can, or am I just being selfish? It is harder to care where you live because you have to give more and have more to lose. I find that scary sometimes...here's $20 for the Haitians now stop bugging me conscience. And we call that "caring". Ouch.

I really need God to help me love others. I really need God to help me care where I am at because right now I am doing a pretty poor job of reflecting his love.

Pat Robertson is wrong!
Top 8 Biblical reasons Pat is out to lunch
1. Jesus said He came to "Seek and save the lost" Luke 19:10
2. God always warns people using prophets about direct punishment before the hammer comes down. Usually to give people time to repent and turn to Him. God seems to be loving in this way. See the books of Jonah, Jeremiah, Isiah, Amos, etc.
3. Assumes that some sins (obviously that we Americans are not committing!) are worse than others and we can know exactly how God judges them. I mean it isn't like American's are sex obsessed, greedy, selfish, idol worshipers, right?! Also assumes God judges sin here and now instead of "being patient" 2 Peter 3:9
4. Pat Robertson is a false prophet because of his predictions (click here) and should not be listened to. Deuteronomy 18:22
5. Jesus's response to natural disaster (Luke 13:1-5) was not condemn people, but to remind people that we all die and to urge men to repent of sin and be reconciled to God. It is a message of hope since this world is broken and will never be perfect.
6. Pat never read the book of Job. Job a righteous man get everything stripped from him even though he really didn't do anything to deserve what happened to him. Pat sounds more like Job's friends who assumed that there was something wrong with Job to have experienced the calamity that he did. (They were wrong by the way.)
7. God is not a direct, cause = effect, God. His ways are higher than ours and sometimes...we don't know why things happen. Holy crap we aren't God?! Surprise!
8. Pat's God is unjust. If God only punishes sin once (Him being just) and there were Christians in Haiti, then according to Pat God has just punished them twice. Once when He punished Christ for the sins of the world, and then when He caused the earthquake. Pat's God has just punished someone twice for sin, is that just? I doubt it.

The Why

This is going to be a pretty raw blog post so I hope you are strapped in and ready to fly.

I have been in deep thought for about two weeks now. When I get this way it doesn't show on the outside, but there is an under current of primary thought that consumes me when I am alone. When things are quiet there are those moments when thoughts come out of the woodwork and I wonder, truly wonder about life.

I realized recently that no matter what we do, good or evil, it just falls apart. There is so much insane attention in the media to people's plights, but is anything really accomplished besides a gut reaction and good entertainment? I mean really what good does knowing about something do if you can do nothing about it? Go deeper. What have I accomplished in life? What has anyone accomplished in life? Even if you are the wisest or richest person all your actions, all your living...fades. Can anyone tell me who the ruler of England was 300 years ago? Even if you could what difference does it make? Kingdoms rise, kingdoms fall. Go deeper. Of all the action I have taken some are good and some are evil. All have an affect on someone else, but I can't say what or how far reaching those effects of action go. If perfection is what is required then even if I am Mother Teresa, it still isn't enough. Go deeper. What is the point of life? Everything I do no matter how noble, no matter how selfless is tainted. Nothing I ever do will escape some sort of human failing or taint. Chew on that for a moment. It really breaks things down. If you are a legalist you are really screwed, if you are religious you should really question why you do all the things you do. If you are irreligious and don't care then you are just making things worse.

Now as a caveat I will say that no matter how much I question I still believe what I believe. None of my questions are really going to change that. I just constantly need to know why. It is just who I am.

Christians (of which I would say I am one) believe in a eternal, all present, all knowing, all controlling God who is good. Now in some sense what should someone with all the power in the world do? Shouldn't those with the most power take care of those without it? This levels quite a responsibility on God, but lets flip it around. If I created a robot (or animate thinking thing) shouldn't that robot be subservient to me? Do I really owe that robot anything, or rather does not the created thing owe everything to the creator? Although this rubs against our human pride if God is who Christians say He is then these posits are well posed. What does God owe me as a created being and what do I owe Him? If God is really big and I am really tiny then doesn't He have a responsibility to help me out? Is God really loving? What is the ultimate good? These are things I think about all the time.

For all you creative people out there do you realize you have actually never created anything? Do you realize that none of our thoughts are original? Everything we think of is just a copy, or an improvement on something. We cannot conceptualize something that we have not already seen. We just run around like children doing our best to copy something and make it look alive. We cannot make something live. Our closest attempt is procreation and even that is a process that has already been established.

For all you people that think you control something you should watch the Bourne trilogy and see how easy it is to kill people. (Ok I'll admit it's a pretend movie, but if a government thinks you are a big enough threat they will kill you, or at least make an attempt at hunting you down.) We control nothing. We can only destroy we cannot make something alive. Try making time stop, or changing a single hair from black to white. Our pitiful attempts at controlling even nature are laughable.

For all you techno geeks out there, it seems that the further we get in technology the more problems we have created for ourselves. From ethical dilemmas in health care, to the outstanding job we are doing polluting everything. Do we even know what a "clean" river is anymore? So all that silicon production for all those electronic toys that is never recycled what about that? Technology only seems to solve one problem to produce another greater and harder problem. Sorry no matter how cool things get we will still be wasteful, inefficient, organic creatures.

For all you green people out there. Stop whining about pollution and go live in the woods. What's that? Oh you don't want to give up your comfortable communications, heating, air conditioning, and modern convenience? Then shut it. Every internet blog about stopping pollution, being more "green", recycling, or any other of the silly things they have you believing is ridiculous. Wait how did you get that power? How did you get that computer? How did you get your food? Follow any process long enough and you will realize how "ungreen" every single thing you do is. If you are not living in the woods in a basic subsistence level lifestyle you are the biggest hypocrite I have ever seen. Trying to be "green" is pointless.

All this just to say if you pick a topic, point, or position what is the long term point of it all? Long term, like three million years after I die long term thinking. Too long you say? The how about three thousand? Three hundred? Thirty? Three? What affect can I have on any of it? What does any of this have to do with God?

What is God up to? From the creation of humans to where we are now what is the big picture? If Jesus Christ is the best God can think of what does that say about God? What does He want? If Jesus was God incarnate then feeding everyone in the word is not the point. He didn't do that even though he could have. Healing everyone of every disease is not the point either. He could have done that to and didn't. Sheltering everyone in the world is no the point either. He didn't do that (even though he was a carpenter). Christ said "I have come to seek and to save the lost." (Luke 19:10), "I have come that they may have life and have it to the full." (John 10:10) What was God doing in Christ? It is almost ridiculous in the very inception. God comes, lives a subsistence life. Builds tables and chairs for approximately 17 (Edit: I originally said 27 years! Sorry bad math skills late at night) years. Preaches and does miracles for three and then dies, rises again, and ascends to heaven. Huh? This is the greatest good from an all powerful God. I can't really wrap my mind around it. Why? Why, why, why? I don't get it. What is God after? What does he want?

This is where I live. Hope the discomfort is evident and shared.